Eye Contact

My friend laughed when I told her how persistent my dad was about making eye contact when speaking to or listening to someone.

I hated it when he said, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you.” The rule wasn’t just when he needed my attention. It was when anyone was talking to me.

“You know, Deana, when babies are born, making eye contact with them is their first connection with the people who love them, ” my friend said.

She’s right. Eye gaze is one of the most exciting milestones babies achieve! I remember the first time I saw my baby’s eyes recognized me–her mom.

It has felt odd during the Covid-19 quarantine since social distancing and wearing masks have become a part of everyday life. I didn’t realize how many visual cues I took for granted before the lockdown started.

“I miss seeing people’s smiles and the lines around their mouths,” I told her. “I notice that some people turn away when you walk by, while others seem afraid to make eye contact.”

She said she noticed that, too.

Eye contact and listening with our ears are probably the most potent ways to communicate. A single fleeting look from across a room or the change or hesitation in someone’s voice can speak volumes.

About 80% of the information we receive from the environment comes to us through our vision. Like it or not, our eyes also telegraph cues to others about our emotions, health status, social attractions, and behavioral intentions.

A quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, the American poet and philosopher, said, “An eye can threaten like a loaded and leveled gun, or can insult like hissing and kicking; or in its altered mood, by beams of kindness, make the heart dance with joy.”

Wow! What a powerful statement of how important our eyes are in communicating with others.

Maybe that’s why there are so many songs written about the eyes. Songs about Lyin’ Eyes, Crying Eyes, Cheating Eyes, and Loving Eyes tell stories.

Think about all the emotions and messages conveyed through our eyes; the love in our partner’s eyes, the trust in the eyes of a friend, the truth you see or do not see when dealing with the world, and the joy when a child can see the pride in their parent’s eyes.

Keeping eye contact with the person you are talking to is also respectful. It indicates that you are focused and paying attention. It means that you’re essential to them.

My friend continued, “As we get older, we stop looking into the eyes of those we love, and sometimes that’s why relationships begin to fail.”

With computers and phones becoming our constant companions and social partners, we have more conversations without actually hearing or seeing each other.

It is easy to feel like an intruder who should come back later when trying to have a conversation with someone looking at their phone instead of you.

Shakespeare said, “The eyes are the windows to our soul.” Maybe that is why we don’t know what’s happening in our children’s lives or our partners’ hearts. We may be missing something if we do not look at each other.

In matters of the heart, if we look closely into the eyes of those we know, we can sometimes see feelings they have no words for, like pain, fear, anger, despair, or intent.

Our eyes also reflect integrity, sincerity, and comfort when communicating with others. They tell us if the conversation is going well and when the conversation is not going well.

When I was dating my husband, he looked at me one day and said, “You have the most beautiful brown eyes.” So I moved away and said, “My eyes are green.”

He blushed and said, “I’m sorry; I’m color blind.” That was the day I knew he loved me. I saw it in his eyes. It also explained why his clothes never matched.

My dad could tell how much it irritated me by how I rolled my eyes when he tried to teach me this communication skill. But it was some of the best advice he gave me.

I understand the social distancing necessary during the COVID-19 quarantining, but I hope it doesn’t become the “new normal” because we need to see each other.

It will be beautiful when our world opens up again. Then, we can say what Katherine Mansfield wrote in her 1888 poem: “Ah, what happiness it is to be with people who are all happy, to press hands, press cheeks, and smile into another’s eyes.”